I am going to talk a little more about the whole co-mom thing because it really is dominant on my mind right now and because so many people are interested in the topic.
It was awesome to see all the feedback I had received from my “being the co-mom” post. It is reassuring to know that I am not the first to go thru this and sadly not the last either. This is a common subject in almost every two mom household. I am so glad that we can all use our blogs to connect with other moms and I can learn more about how other “co-moms” deal with this subject and how “bio-moms” help their partners/wives to cope with the family and the feeling of not being accepted.
One of the comments that really kinda stuck with me was the comment Estelle made :
“One thing that has gotten me about you through all of this and especially now, is you keep referring to yourself as a co-mom. Do you refer to BB as co-mom? Or mom? Straight couples don’t refer to each other as coparents, but parents. I am not now never was nor will I ever be Charlie’s co-mom. I’m his mom, always have been, and god willing always will be. Co-mom designates a lesser mom, a different mom. You’re Nicholas’ mom, nothing more or less.”
First of all, I had no idea Estelle felt annoyed about my referring to myself as “Co-Mom” even tho we are blog friends. But I don’t think she meant it in a negative way, right E? Well atleast I hope not, let’s just go with the not negative meant tone anyway. And I know E won’t mind me answering her on the blog because she wouldn’t have commented if she didn’t want it all out there.
Why do I use the term “Co-Mom”? Well for starters, it is JUST a term. And to get hung up on terminolgy and putting that together with status is something I don’t want to do. That is way too black and white for me. I use the term “Co-Mom” for means of clarification only. I could use other terms, but I don’t see them as fitting my situation. For example, take the term “Non-Bio Mom”, that implies to me that someone is the non biological mother of a child. That doesn’t imply to me that it is a lesbian mom, it just means they are not the biological mother, like an adoptive mom, or a foster mom, or even a step mom. They are all the childs mother, they just didn’t give birth to him/her. And even tho I am not the biological mother to Nicholas, I do not want to constantly remind myself that I am not biologically related to him. Because biology means nothing to me. Biology is not the only thing that makes you a mom.
And the term “Other Mother” doesn’t really appeal to me either. The OTHER mother. It has a bit of a negative connotation to it. I’m not the mother, I’m the other mother. I don’t know, it just doesn’t fit me, or what I am.
There are some other terms in the Lesbian Family households that I don’t use either. Like “partner”. BB and I are lucky enough to live in a country where same-sex marriages are legal. I am BB’s wife, BB is my wife. She is not my girlfriend, not my partner, I am honoured to say she is my wife. I don’t like it when people constantly say “your partner this…”, “your girl friend that…” Hey, I am proud of our marriage. And we are both comfortable with the term “wife”, so we use it. I don’t get upset when people say “girlfriend” or “partner”, when I talk to them, or write them I just keep saying “wife” eventually they catch on, and if not, who cares. They are trying! Atleast they aren’t calling me her roomate!
I like Co-Mom. To me it definitely is a term used in 2 mom households. But I like how Co makes it sound like we are equal. We are co-operative parents. BB is Nicholas’ Mama. I am Nicholas’ Mommy. I use the term Co-Mom to say “hey, I didn’t give birth to him, but he is equally my son just as if I had given birth to him”. In many ways, BB and I ARE both Co-Moms. We do not refer to me as his Co-Mom, I am just Mommy. Co-Mom is strictly a term I use on the blog or on paper. It clarifies to other readers that- yes, I am a mother, but no- I was not the pregnant one. And I would NEVER imply that I was the one who did give birth to him. That would be like stealing a piece of BB’s shine. She did a fantastic job carrying Nicholas around in her tummy. She nourished him, she cared for him and grew him inside of her. By denying that, it would be like slapping BB in the face. I am not afraid to admit that BB did the hard part, and trust me a pregnancy is no cake walk, you don’t have to have been pregnant in order to know that! I am not afraid to admit that Nicholas looks just like her. I was not jealous that she breastfed him and spent the first month with him on her chest 24/7. That is what her job was. I knew I would get my time. He is going to be with us for a very, very long time there is no need to fight over him in the beginning. And then look at me now. I have him for myself 5 days a week. And even tho he looks just like his Mama, he has so much of me in him. Not his looks, but his character. And I see that, and that is amazing. To know that he picks up the way I speak, and his love for touching and rubbing hands when we just sit or when he falls asleep. Sometimes it’s funny cause he’ll be chatting away and then look at you exactly like a look I’d give BB and then I’ll start laughing cause it is so weird to see BB’s little male version giving a Sarah look!
Anyway, the whole point of this is that I do not feel like the lesser mom just because I call myself a Co-Mom. If you don’t like the term Co-Mom, then don’t use it. No one is telling you what you absolutely need to call yourself. There is no “Lesbian Parent Terminology Law” that say you should be called one thing or another. If you feel comfortable with a term, use it, if not, find another one or make one up! Who cares! You are not defined by a name, you are defined by who you are and what you do.
But you can see how terminolgy can get people really hung up. I can call myself whatever I want. And so can you! And to answer Estelle a bit more clearly. Yes, E I firmly do agree and believe that “You’re Nicholas’ mom, nothing more or less.” But I do not agree that the term I chose to use, a Co-Mom “designates a lesser mom, a different mom.” A different Mom yes. We are all different Moms. BB is not me, we are not the same person, we are not the same mom. I am not a lesser mom. We are both equally Co-Moms. Because together, co-operatively we are raising our son.
We should all keep discussing topics like this one, because as Lesbians who are mothers or planning to be mothers, we owe it to ourselves to help each other to define our roles in our families. To keep each other strong. To get our presence out there. Maybe then, people around the world would start to see use for the fantastic women we are and not for the scary, sinning, going against their norm women that they like to say we are.
If you haven’t already, head on over to LesbianFamily.org and take a look at the post that Trista put up of the recent Co-Mom thoughts on other peoples blog.
Filed under: Caution! Sarah thinks!, LGBT Issues, Parenting
Incredibly well thought out and well said. Thanks for sharing this.
Was wondering if you would be interested in posting sometime what a “day in the life” of a stay-at-home co-mom is like for you. I love checking in on your blog everyday and getting a little insight as to how my life is going to change in the next couple of months. I know everyone’s experience is different, but every little bit of perspective helps
Suzanne
Oh no, I am not annoyed by the use of it, nor does it make me think of you as less of his mother.
I suppose I asked that, because how we refer to ourselves shapes how people think of us and treat us. I would never refer to myself as Charlie’s co mom in the presence of her family, because I don’t want anything but mom to be my defining role. They already think so little of me in terms of being his parent, I won’t give them even an inch when it comes to lessening myself more. And I know that YOU are not lessening yourself, absolutely not. I really just wanted to know if you are both co moms or mom and co mom. I posted something about this, gosh, probably a year ago… the mommy/mama debate. I want Charlie to call me mama, because that is what I called my mother. Aj called her mother mommy, so he should call her mommy. For us, it’s cut and dried because I WANTED to be mama, not mommy. However, when the moms both equally want to be mommy or neither really cares, it seems the default is that the biological mother gets mommy and the other mother gets mama. Because, in our society, for some twisted reason, mommy seems to carry more weight than mama. And I admit, I’m just as guilty. If I had no clue which mom birthed the child, I would assume it is the one that the child is calling mommy, not mama.
I normally don’t even refer to AJ as his bio mom. She is, of course, but why does that matter? What I mean is, in terms of general conversation, it doesn’t. Unless it is medically related, there really is no need to differentiate between bio and non bio. We’re both just his moms. Adding disclaimers just seeks to cast one mom in a different light. I don’t claim to have given birth to him (though, honestly, when I’m at the doctor alone with him, I often just answer in her place for biology because it’s easier than going into detail to a doctor we’ll never see again, and also safer), that’s all her. She made him, and it shows. But that’s just the way he came to be, not something that defines our family. I am friends with one couple who don’t tell anyone who gave birth to their children, the children don’t even know, and neither do their families (they live in different states), because they feel that strongly that it doesn’t matter and should be made an issue of. That’s not something I would do (they do, of course, plan to tell the children when/if they ask) but I understand the reasoning behind it.
It’s possible that you hit it on the head with your statement of living in a country where you are recognized. Legally, the three of you are a family. That’s something that very few lesbian couples in the US are afforded. Yes, a pitifully small percentage of them can finagle a second parent adoption, but NONE of them have a legal federal marriage (or similar bond). So there is not one LEGAL lesbian family in the entire US. It’s just mom and children and other. So I do not doubt that, in some way, many of us over compensate for that by denying any difference between the two moms. It’s a weakness, something that cannot afford to be expressed. I cannot ever differentiate myself and AJ in terms of our “momness” because it opens the door for the law to step in, on behalf of her or her parents, and completely cut me out. And I think that that is what most other mothers worry and fear. I firmly believe that it would be a MUCH easier state of being if the law were on our side, or at least not squarely against us. Maybe then we wouldn’t have so much to prove.
There ya go, I’ve written a book. Oh well. But rest assured, I was never once annoyed with you or thought of you as less than his parent, I was just intrigued as to why you use that term.
I have nothing of interest to contribute, but I just wanted to say thank you to both Sarah and Estelle for this interesting discussion! Many points raised by both of you that I had never even thought about. Thanks!