I have to admit that since Easter I have been thinking a lot about my role as a Co-Mom. I was not really surprised by BB’s family behaviour, in fact it was something that I knew would happen from day one. I was more surprised at how it made me feel. To be all of a sudden ignored as Nicholas’ Mom. And these past two weeks have made me reflect on my own feelings and thoughts towards being *just* the Co-Mom.
I do firmly believe that every future Co-Mom thinks about this at one point during their partner’s pregnancy. Because the feelings of being ignored start with the first BFP, and probably won’t end for a while. In many ways I was glad that BB and I live two hours away from her family, because I think seeing them more often would have only made the insecure feelings that I had more apparent. I wasn’t the pregnant one, I wasn’t the biological parent, I was not being asked how I felt about future parenthood, I was just there. Like a puppy on a leash that got dragged behind BB. Her little guard dog. And that was a hard thing to get out of, to try and find my place equal with BB. And it’s funny, because at the Gyn.’s and with the Midwife and even at the Clinic I was fully accepted as BB’s partner, but more importantly I was fully accepted as Nicholas’ Mom too. But not when it came to her family. And it pains me to say that because I really like her family, and I know they like me but their coolness they give out when it comes to the subject of me as Nicholas’ parent is very hard to ignore. It’s like a breeze from the North Pole in the heart of the desert. VERY hard to miss.
During the pregnancy, it was a lot easier to just “suck it up” and try and forget about it. Drive home and push it out of my mind with thoughts of “they will get better when he’s here” and “when they see you with him, they’ll know” kinda stuff. And then Nicholas was here and we really became the little family we had longed to be, only in the eyes of others it was BB, her son, oh and that woman that lives with them.
Their ignorance really shoke my tree and I was very nervous about just how good of a Co-Mom I would be. Would I love him like my own flesh and blood? I had my feelings in the beginning where I, for just a split second, felt like being a Nanny all over again. Taking care of someone else’s baby. I had a hard time seeing myself as Mommy. Especially when BB was still home and breastfeeding him 24/7, I felt more like the assistant, the maid, the cook, the wife but not the Mommy.
Fast forward to 5 months later. I have been taking care of Nicholas full time since BB went back to work over two months ago. Every day I feed him, change him, play with him, hug him and hold him. I comfort him when he cries and can make him chuckle in a heartbeat. And even tho I may have had come into my role as Co-Mom a little slower than some others have done, I have become this little boys whole world. Without me even noticing, this little baby has defined my role in his life by himself. And all this time I realized that I have nothing to do with how I will be Nicholas’ Co-Mom. All I have done these past five months is given my heart and soul to him, in every way to love him and nourish him and he thought to himself “hey lady, I don’t care what you call yourself or how you feel, but you are my Mom”.
So yesterday, when Nicholas rolled over for the first time and I beamed with pride and called BB right away and told her what our little boy can do now, I realized that only a happy Co-Mom would do such a thing. And even tho BB’s family has a hard time seeing me as Nicholas’ Mom too, and that we will try to help them see our family for what we really are and not just want they want to see, I realized that it just doesn’t matter what they think. It only matters what we think, what we feel, and let me tell you something, I love Nicholas as if he was in my body for nine months, as if I did give birth to him, because those nine months that he was growing in BB’s tummy, Nicholas was growing in my heart, and on November 18th, when Nicholas finally left BB’s warm tummy it felt like a piece of my heart was taken out and started to live outside my body. And now I hold that boy as if he were my heart, because he is my heart, his Mama my soul, without them I would die.
Filed under: Caution! Sarah thinks!, Parenting
Your words and thoughts are powerful.
I wish that BB’s parents start seeing you fully as what you are – a very REAL mum!
Thanks so much for posting this. I have a lot of the same fears/worries.
Another stay-at-home co-mom-to-be (very soon!),
S.
Wow. I can’t tell you how relieved I am that someone feels the same way. Even thought my son will not be here for another 3 months, I still find myself thinking those same things. Thanks for putting those feelings into beautiful words. You and BB are just amazing and I wish you all the love and luck in the world.
What an incredible post. As the bio-mom, it is really good for me to read this. I want my partner to read this too, so we can chat about it. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much for posting your thoughts. I have so many of the same concerns as I too will be the non-bio stay at home mom. Our baby isn’t due until November so we have time to hash it all out.
Your little man is such a cutie and lucky to have such a caring mom as you.
Amen, sister.
You know, it might be that they do live so far away that makes it easier for them to push you aside. They only see you occassionally, they don’t see you regularly moming Nicholas, and so it’s easy for them to dismiss you. Which makes me hope that as time goes on and Nicholas grows up and asserts his relationship to you, too, that they will eventually come around. That’s how Kristin’s family was to me in the beginning, they live far away and on their visits to us or our visits to them they just treated me like some friend or nanny. But as time went on and they saw Julia reach for me, saw me comfort her in ways only a mother can, heard her call me Mama, well, they’re coming around.
But, I have to tell you, it tore me apart all those times they pushed me aside. It made me want to cut them out entirely. It made me feel like ka-ka. It made me doubt my true connection to my child.
They will eventually understand or there will be a big wall between them and their grandson — one that he will put up himself because of their refusal to acknowledge his mother.
I am sorry you have to go through this. That was a great post! We have had struggles with family and it has taken awhile to get better. It especially got better once everyone could see Cam wanting both of us equally, and especially when he asks for his mama(Sum)! It might take some time, and it will be hard, but once Nicholas can talk, they’ll have no choice but to consider you his mom as equally as BB.
this is a great post and quite coincidental as special k and i were talking about some similar themes last night. there doesn’t seem to be enough written about the co-mom (other mother, non-bio mum etc) so we are still figuring out how it’s going to feel, how it’s going to be. it’s confusing and we can’t control how we feel and how other people behave and i only hope we can take your advice and not take on board too much of how other people feel, and just let special k’s relationship with the twinkle build and grow and speak for itself.
Your post is amazing, it made me so teary. Your son is gorgeous, you must be so proud.
[...] and another factor is what everyone else thinks and how everyone else reacts to us. i tend not to worry about this much in my life, but i can see the influence it can have. sarah has written a bit about it over here. [...]
I live right beside them, and I still get pushed out. I’d much rather they live hours away.
One thing that has gotten me about you through all of this and especially now, is you keep referring to yourself as a co-mom. Do you refer to BB as co-mom? Or mom? Straight couples don’t refer to each other as coparents, but parents. I am not now never was nor will I ever be Charlie’s co-mom. I’m his mom, always have been, and god willing always will be. Co-mom designates a lesser mom, a different mom. You’re Nicholas’ mom, nothing more or less.
Unless we differentiate we open ourselves up to a lack of respect and reality with the child, and later as an adult I feel. Yes, there is more than one or two sometimes that are loosely “mom”, but is up to the child who that child thinks of as mom – they will direct the show eventually – and as and adult who they think of as mom, and often, in the healthiest of relationships it will include the co-mom, but only if the differences are not deliberately masked. [Much of this is research done out of adoptive families - they are more defined, but the children that became adults that were adopted and the first families were hidden and denied, have powerful feelings of the loss of power they felt in most instances]. If your realtionship is great then you stand a good chance of it continuing, but a relationship shrouded in deception will always end up poor at best. The lack of power in the “child” will carry over into a lifetime of trying to regain the lost power in other instances and relationships they may make.
Truth, but not necessarily emphasis is always right.
[...] was awesome to see all the feedback I had received from my “being the co-mom” post. It is reassuring to know that I am not the first to go thru this and sadly not the [...]
[...] Journey of a Co-Mom: Being the Co-Mom [...]
My wife and I just found out that she is pregnant, and we are both so excited. As the non-bio mom, I was really relieved to find your posting. While I know that my wife and fmaily will accept me as a mother, I am concerned with her family and others that we know. It was a relief to see that I am not the only one strugglign with this, and also to see how well you are handling it.
Best wishes to you all!